Things That Annoy Me: The "I Think I'm a Stand-Up Comic" Guy

So, although the primary reason for this blog is to entertain anyone who happens to read it, I have to admit that I also am trying to use it to help promote my books. The theory being that if you are entertained by this blog, maybe you will buy my book. So I figure I should spotlight parts of my first book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World. Not only will this add some more new content in my blog (I have to admit I've been slacking off a bit in adding new posts), plus, maybe it'll have the awesome effect of getting more sales for my book. I am periodically going to mention one thing that annoys me that I elaborate on in more colorful detail in my book. Hopefully, this will still be entertaining if read by itself, and it should be a good tease to all the fun everyone can have if they read my book.

So, for my first annoyance, I thought I would spotlight perhaps the most annoying person ever, the "I think I'm a stand-up comic" guy. This is a guy who cracks jokes constantly. The problem is, all his jokes are so lame that even the most hackneyed comics don't use them. What really makes the guy annoying is that he laughs at his own jokes in that "yuk, yuk" kind of way, and he calls you out when you don't laugh at his awful material. To read more about this annoying guy, here's the link to my book:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time.

Guess What? My Book is on Sale!

Here's some good news. My book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, is on sale on Amazon for only 99 cents from now until the end of Sunday, August 24! If you enjoy this blog, maybe you'll enjoy my book. There's a whole lot more swears in the book, if you're into that sort of thing. You can either click on the link below or the picture of the annoyed guy clinching his fists on the side of the blog to get you directly to my book. Thanks for your time.

I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Mania V: The Megablogger Explodes!!!

Hello. Because the first four times had such a great response, it's time for more ramblings on whatever pops in my head. So with apologies to the WWE and Larry King, here are some more self-indulgent ramblings:

Lebron James going back to Cleveland is the greatest heel-to-face turn ever.

Yes, even better than Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania XIII.

I'm probably spending too much time with my Talking Tom cat on my tablet.

If you guessed that I get a kick out of having him say dirty and perverted words, you know me well.

Spoiler alert for the Amazing Spider Man 2: (Actually, everyone should have already seen it by now, but I was busy, okay?) I can't believe blank blank dies at the end! Well, blank blank also died in the comic book, so I shouldn't have been so surprised.

C'mon, Packers! Retire Favre's jersey already!

As a self published author, I'm definitely on Amazon's side in the Amazon/Hachette dispute.

On a somewhat related note, I don't know him personally, but J. A. Konrath seems like a cool guy to have a beer with.

Especially if he's buying.

Latest creepy commercial: Those weird Direct TV ones with the puppets. Who are these supposed to appeal to?

Obviously, someone with a weird puppet fetish.

Which definitely isn't me.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Transformers 4: The metal-on-metal violence is high in this one.

Community is coming back! Hooray!

So, what the f is a Yahoo Screen?

The body count is getting pretty high in the last season of True Blood. At this rate, all that will be left at the end will be a set of fangs.

To be perfectly honest, although I was rooting for the United States, I still have trouble getting into soccer.

I have no idea what it's supposed to be used for, but I'm glad I've never taken Risperdal.

So, if everyone is already trapped Under the Dome, where are all these new characters coming from?

And that's all I have for now. See you next time.

Illogical Commercials

Most TV shows don't follow the rules of logic very well, but commercials are the worst. The things that happen in commercials and the way people behave in them don't make any sense. For example, any beer or soft drink commercial that features someone doing something outlandish so someone will give them a drink instead of just going to the store and buying one for themselves. Since I watch a lot of TV, and have too much time on my hands, I'm going to specifically highlight some commercials where you have to completely suspend your disbelief.

First, there's those Buffalo Wild Wings commercials where referees extend games so customers can presumably stay at Buffalo Wild Wings. There's the obvious flaw in logic where you have to believe that refs will fix a game just so some losers can keep drinking. Unless they're getting paid a lot of dough, why would a ref deliberately fix a game? And if you have enough money and influence to get a ref to fix a game, and you use it so you can stay at Buffalo Wild Wings a little while longer, you may be lacking a little bit upstairs.

Then there's the Wendy's commercials. I've wrote in the past about all the companies that are using a cute girl as their spokesperson. There's the AT&T girl, the T-Mobile girl, the Toyota girl, the Kindle Fire girl, and the Wendy's girl. The difference between the Wendy's girl and all the others is that everyone else is portrayed as working for the company in their commercials. Wendy's girl doesn't, in fact, in some commercials it's portrayed that she works in an office of some sort. So her character doesn't work at Wendy's, though she amazingly resembles the girl in the Wendy's logo. Wendy's girl's role in the commercials basically is to SUGGEST EATING AT WENDY'S EVERY DAMN TIME. If Wendy's girl was real, no matter how cute she is, she would be very annoying. I admit I like Wendy's (I enjoy the baconator, but I'm sure my heart doesn't), but I wouldn't like eating it every day. I would think, after awhile, no one would ask Wendy's girl (by the way, I don't think they ever gave her a name in a commercial, she's just the Wendy's girl) her suggestion on where to eat, because they'd know she's going to say Wendy's every f-ing time! Unless you're Jared from Subway trying to lose weight or Morgan Spurlock doing a documentary, I don't think you're eating at the same fast food joint every day.

Finally, my favorite illogical commercials are the ones where the main character just shows up to talk to total strangers about their product. There's the friendly Phillips lady whose mission in life is to apparently go out in public and ask everyone about any crapping problems they may have. I can't speak for everyone, but if a stranger suddenly started asking me if I had any constipation or diarrhea problems, I would be seriously creeped out. My current favorite person in these type of commercials is Bill Cowher, former coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who, according to the commercials, now spends his time showing up at people's homes to urge everyone to sign up to Time Warner Cable. If we're trying to look at these commercials logically, we can only come up with two plausible scenarios. First scenario is that Bill Cowher is an extremely lonely guy who has nothing better to do with his time than to stalk people until they randomly mention something about their cable, then he jumps into their conversation. Apparently, everyone loves the Steelers and are not freaked out by a guy that suddenly appears in their homes whenever they talk about cable. The other scenario is that Bill Cowher loves his Time Warner Cable so much, and he's saved all the money he's earned by coaching football, that he feels that his life mission is to travel the country and wait in the shadows for people who need guidance in cable selection, and then barge into their homes proclaiming his love for Time Warner Cable. My wish is for one of the characters to say to Bill Cowher: "Man, you're so into Time Warner Cable, it's almost like they're paying you! Now get the F out of my house before I call the police!"

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part IV: The Final Chapter (Not Really)

Well, since I apparently can't stop doing this, and because it was so much fun the first three times, it's time once again for some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to Jason Voorhees and Larry King, here I go:

If you laugh every time that guy in the Arby's commercial says, "That's longer than I smoke my meat!" you are immature.

I am immature.

OhmygodIcan'tbelieveGeorgeClooneyisengagedIt'sthefirstsignoftheapoclyspe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, if you really care about this and you don't know Mr. Clooney or his fiancee personally, it may be time to reassess the priorities in your life.

Or you could write about it in your blog.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Godzilla: It was okay, I guess. Matthew Broderick tried his best... Oops, wrong Godzilla. I haven't seen the new one yet.

Spoiler alert on the new Godzilla even though I haven't seen it yet: Godzilla destroys a lot of shit.

If you have the time, go back to Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part II and check out my predictions for the four teams in the NBA conference finals. It did get a little dicey at times, but even without the benefit of the Sports Almanac, I did get everything right. Unfortunately, I didn't put any money on it.

I have to admit that I'm usually only interested in golf when Tiger Woods is playing.

Do you ever wonder why each season of Game of Thrones only has ten episodes?

So, it was recently the 10th anniversary of the end of the best sitcom ever. I can't believe it's been that long.

Of course, I'm talking about Frasier.

I still ship Niles and Daphne, even after all these years.

Speaking of anniversaries, it's the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube, and I still haven't solved the damn thing.

So, do they have to be in their fifties before Mayweather and Pacquiao fight?

If that happens, I'll bet on the guy that doesn't have a hip replacement.

Any hologram of a deceased celebrity is creepy, no matter who it is.

I've just read the first 48 issues of The Walking Dead comic book, and all I can say is that it is definitely more f-ed up than the TV show.

I don't know about horses, but a breathe right strip doesn't make me run any faster.

So, NBC, you couldn't renew Community for just one more year? I hope your headquarters gets struck by an asteroid.

Okay, I'm so paranoid nowadays that I feel that I better retract my last statement. I don't really wish asteroid strikes on anyone.

So, before I say anything else that may get me into trouble, I better go. Thanks for reading.

Self-Indulgent Blog Tinkerings

So, I thought I would change the look of my blog a bit. I figured this would take a few minutes, and I could go back to actually posting something here. Of course, I ended up spending way too much time tinkering with everything. You know, there is such a thing as having too many options. I ended up using something from the "Awesome Inc." template, which is sort of appropriate since "Awesomely" is in my title. The idea is to make the blog look more visually appealing to anyone who checks it out. I like the look of it, but I have been accused occasionally of having poor taste. Well, my self-indulgence is suppose to pertain to my writing, not to my admittedly limited art skills, so this will have to do for now. I hope everyone likes it.

Selling a Book is Pretty Cool

Hello. For a chance of pace, I thought I'd write a quick paragraph on something that's one hundred percent positive. I just published my first book about five months ago, and although I have yet to set the book world on fire, I have sold a few, and every time I sell another, it still feels great. The fact that someone actually spent their money, even when it's only 99 cents, on something that I wrote is pretty damn awesome. The whole journey of coming up with an idea, writing it all down, revising and fine-tuning it, publishing it, and someone buying it, reading it, and hopefully enjoying it, has been a great experience. I hope I never become too jaded where I treat this as nothing special. People are actually paying money to read my stuff. I know that my book is just all about everything that annoys me, but having people read it is definitely not annoying.