Illogical Commercials

Most TV shows don't follow the rules of logic very well, but commercials are the worst. The things that happen in commercials and the way people behave in them don't make any sense. For example, any beer or soft drink commercial that features someone doing something outlandish so someone will give them a drink instead of just going to the store and buying one for themselves. Since I watch a lot of TV, and have too much time on my hands, I'm going to specifically highlight some commercials where you have to completely suspend your disbelief.

First, there's those Buffalo Wild Wings commercials where referees extend games so customers can presumably stay at Buffalo Wild Wings. There's the obvious flaw in logic where you have to believe that refs will fix a game just so some losers can keep drinking. Unless they're getting paid a lot of dough, why would a ref deliberately fix a game? And if you have enough money and influence to get a ref to fix a game, and you use it so you can stay at Buffalo Wild Wings a little while longer, you may be lacking a little bit upstairs.

Then there's the Wendy's commercials. I've wrote in the past about all the companies that are using a cute girl as their spokesperson. There's the AT&T girl, the T-Mobile girl, the Toyota girl, the Kindle Fire girl, and the Wendy's girl. The difference between the Wendy's girl and all the others is that everyone else is portrayed as working for the company in their commercials. Wendy's girl doesn't, in fact, in some commercials it's portrayed that she works in an office of some sort. So her character doesn't work at Wendy's, though she amazingly resembles the girl in the Wendy's logo. Wendy's girl's role in the commercials basically is to SUGGEST EATING AT WENDY'S EVERY DAMN TIME. If Wendy's girl was real, no matter how cute she is, she would be very annoying. I admit I like Wendy's (I enjoy the baconator, but I'm sure my heart doesn't), but I wouldn't like eating it every day. I would think, after awhile, no one would ask Wendy's girl (by the way, I don't think they ever gave her a name in a commercial, she's just the Wendy's girl) her suggestion on where to eat, because they'd know she's going to say Wendy's every f-ing time! Unless you're Jared from Subway trying to lose weight or Morgan Spurlock doing a documentary, I don't think you're eating at the same fast food joint every day.

Finally, my favorite illogical commercials are the ones where the main character just shows up to talk to total strangers about their product. There's the friendly Phillips lady whose mission in life is to apparently go out in public and ask everyone about any crapping problems they may have. I can't speak for everyone, but if a stranger suddenly started asking me if I had any constipation or diarrhea problems, I would be seriously creeped out. My current favorite person in these type of commercials is Bill Cowher, former coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who, according to the commercials, now spends his time showing up at people's homes to urge everyone to sign up to Time Warner Cable. If we're trying to look at these commercials logically, we can only come up with two plausible scenarios. First scenario is that Bill Cowher is an extremely lonely guy who has nothing better to do with his time than to stalk people until they randomly mention something about their cable, then he jumps into their conversation. Apparently, everyone loves the Steelers and are not freaked out by a guy that suddenly appears in their homes whenever they talk about cable. The other scenario is that Bill Cowher loves his Time Warner Cable so much, and he's saved all the money he's earned by coaching football, that he feels that his life mission is to travel the country and wait in the shadows for people who need guidance in cable selection, and then barge into their homes proclaiming his love for Time Warner Cable. My wish is for one of the characters to say to Bill Cowher: "Man, you're so into Time Warner Cable, it's almost like they're paying you! Now get the F out of my house before I call the police!"

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part IV: The Final Chapter (Not Really)

Well, since I apparently can't stop doing this, and because it was so much fun the first three times, it's time once again for some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to Jason Voorhees and Larry King, here I go:

If you laugh every time that guy in the Arby's commercial says, "That's longer than I smoke my meat!" you are immature.

I am immature.

OhmygodIcan'tbelieveGeorgeClooneyisengagedIt'sthefirstsignoftheapoclyspe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, if you really care about this and you don't know Mr. Clooney or his fiancee personally, it may be time to reassess the priorities in your life.

Or you could write about it in your blog.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Godzilla: It was okay, I guess. Matthew Broderick tried his best... Oops, wrong Godzilla. I haven't seen the new one yet.

Spoiler alert on the new Godzilla even though I haven't seen it yet: Godzilla destroys a lot of shit.

If you have the time, go back to Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part II and check out my predictions for the four teams in the NBA conference finals. It did get a little dicey at times, but even without the benefit of the Sports Almanac, I did get everything right. Unfortunately, I didn't put any money on it.

I have to admit that I'm usually only interested in golf when Tiger Woods is playing.

Do you ever wonder why each season of Game of Thrones only has ten episodes?

So, it was recently the 10th anniversary of the end of the best sitcom ever. I can't believe it's been that long.

Of course, I'm talking about Frasier.

I still ship Niles and Daphne, even after all these years.

Speaking of anniversaries, it's the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube, and I still haven't solved the damn thing.

So, do they have to be in their fifties before Mayweather and Pacquiao fight?

If that happens, I'll bet on the guy that doesn't have a hip replacement.

Any hologram of a deceased celebrity is creepy, no matter who it is.

I've just read the first 48 issues of The Walking Dead comic book, and all I can say is that it is definitely more f-ed up than the TV show.

I don't know about horses, but a breathe right strip doesn't make me run any faster.

So, NBC, you couldn't renew Community for just one more year? I hope your headquarters gets struck by an asteroid.

Okay, I'm so paranoid nowadays that I feel that I better retract my last statement. I don't really wish asteroid strikes on anyone.

So, before I say anything else that may get me into trouble, I better go. Thanks for reading.

Self-Indulgent Blog Tinkerings

So, I thought I would change the look of my blog a bit. I figured this would take a few minutes, and I could go back to actually posting something here. Of course, I ended up spending way too much time tinkering with everything. You know, there is such a thing as having too many options. I ended up using something from the "Awesome Inc." template, which is sort of appropriate since "Awesomely" is in my title. The idea is to make the blog look more visually appealing to anyone who checks it out. I like the look of it, but I have been accused occasionally of having poor taste. Well, my self-indulgence is suppose to pertain to my writing, not to my admittedly limited art skills, so this will have to do for now. I hope everyone likes it.

Selling a Book is Pretty Cool

Hello. For a chance of pace, I thought I'd write a quick paragraph on something that's one hundred percent positive. I just published my first book about five months ago, and although I have yet to set the book world on fire, I have sold a few, and every time I sell another, it still feels great. The fact that someone actually spent their money, even when it's only 99 cents, on something that I wrote is pretty damn awesome. The whole journey of coming up with an idea, writing it all down, revising and fine-tuning it, publishing it, and someone buying it, reading it, and hopefully enjoying it, has been a great experience. I hope I never become too jaded where I treat this as nothing special. People are actually paying money to read my stuff. I know that my book is just all about everything that annoys me, but having people read it is definitely not annoying.

Hey! My Book is on Sale!!!

Since self-indulgent is in the title of this blog, I have to mention that my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, is on sale for only 99 cents on the Amazon Kindle from now until the end of Sunday, May 4th. If you enjoy reading this blog, you should love the book, especially since I swear a lot more in it. You can always click on the book's image on the right side of my blog to get to the Amazon store, but you can also click on this link to get you there:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time.

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Episode III: Revenge of the Snark

Yep, because the first two times were so popular, it's time once again for some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to George Lucas and Larry King, here I go:

Spoiler alert for the upcoming Star Wars movies: All the original characters are very old.

I wonder if the actor who plays Hodor on Game of Thrones ever forgets his lines.

On a completely unrelated note, for some reason, my new favorite color is purple.

I vow never to use the phrase "conscious uncoupling," not even for a joke.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of The Raid 2: It has the most acts of gratuitous violence I have ever seen in a movie. In other words, it was F-ING AWESOME!

I haven't seen it yet, but I hope in Oculus, Karen Gillan mistakenly screws an apple into a light socket.

I can't wait for Tyler Perry's autobiographical film, "Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."

I sure hope that Stephen Colbert curtails all his partisan politics when he starts hosting The Late Show on CBS.

Do I even have to mention that I'm not serious about that?

I have way more trouble trying to cut an ice cream cake than a supposedly educated person should.

With the recent success of all those religious films, I hope James Cameron makes a three hour long 3D movie, with a budget over three hundred million dollars, about Jonah, and Peter Jackson makes ten epic four hour long films about Methuselah.

Those ten Methuselah films will only cover his first hundred years.

C'mon NBC, just renew Community already! So close to #sixseasonsandamovie.

And, if possible, a full season, not just thirteen episodes, would be nice. #justaskingnicely

I'm not on twitter, but doing these hashtags is addicting. #Ilikehashtags #hashtag #morehashtags  #quititalready #jokeisgettingold #wasn'tallthatfunnyinthefirstplace

Although I've probably seen every episode at least ten times, and I have all the DVDs, I'm still looking forward to The Simpsons on FXX.

I'm not going to attempt the marathon, though. Even I don't have that much time on my hands.

With the basketball and hockey playoffs going on, and the new season of baseball in full swing, this time of year is always great to be a sports fan.

With that being said, I'm already ready for football to start.

Spoiler free summary of the last few episodes of Agents of Shield: I can't believe blank blank blanked Shield! I did not see that coming! I wonder, what will blank blank do about it?

Latest thing to creep me out: those new Old Spice commercials.

It looks like I was number 51 again in the 50 Most Beautiful People list.

I'm definitely sure that I'm the first person to ever make that joke.

Yes, yes, I'm not serious about that, either.

Am I indicating what I think about the general public's IQ when I always have to say when I'm being sarcastic?

With that admission, I better go before I get myself into even more trouble. So, once again, thanks for reading, see you next time!

Seeing Myself as a "Brand"

Here's a weird thing that I've found out since becoming a published author. While researching on how to market my book, I found that many authors refer to themselves as a "brand." They're always talking about "promoting their brand" or proclaiming, "My books are my brand." Being just a simple, humble person, I never thought of myself that way. But I guess I am.

So, being curious of what kind of "brand awareness" that I have, I did what any self respecting person should do: I googled my name. Unfortunately, I didn't show up until the third page. However, there is an Aaron Schultz who is an accomplished bodybuilder (and our physiques are remarkably similar), an Aaron Schultz who has a PhD, and a few other writers named Aaron Schultz. It is nice to know that there are many people named Aaron Schultz who have made something of their life. Though, I guess if there was less of them, I would be on top of the damn search page.

So the big question is: what is my brand? Hmm, offbeat writings delivered in a sardonic tone? Twisted thoughts from a depraved individual? Wholesome good fun wrapped up in a package of fifthly language and lewd, risqué topics? A writer so unique that he can't be pigeonholed by a few adjectives and descriptive phrases? This is tougher than I thought. I guess what I put under the title of my blog says it all: "Aaron Schultz writes about what he wants, whenever he wants, in a super entertaining way." And that's my brand.