Yep, My Book is On Sale Again

My delightful book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, is once again on sale on the Kindle for only 99 cents from now until the end of Saturday, Nov. 22! So, if you've been entertained by this blog, you'll probably love this book. Here's the link to the book for your convenience:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time.

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Year VII: Aaron Schultz and the Snarky Hallows

Because it's been such a popular part of my blog, it's time once again for some ramblings on anything that crosses my mind. So, with apologies to Harry Potter and Larry King, here's some more self-indulgent ramblings:

Although Matt Smith is one of my favorite Doctors, I have to say that Peter Capaldi is doing a great job on Dr. Who.

Spoilers alerts on The Walking Dead and Sons of Anarchy: the body counts are getting very, very high.

And on these shows, that's saying something.

Speaking of Sons of Anarchy, I've just found out after watching it for years that the guy that plays Otto is actually the creator of the show.

You know, if I created a show and decided to play one of the characters, I wouldn't choose the one who constantly gets beaten, tortured, and occasionally anal raped.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of A Walk Among the Tombstones: It was decent, but WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO CHANGE SO MUCH STUFF FROM THE BOOK? WHY CAN'T THEY KEEP THINGS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME?

Okay, sorry, I'll calm down a little.

If they ever made a movie version of my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, (unlikely, I know), the character based on me would be younger, better looking, have more hair, probably shorter, and would be just slightly irritated instead of annoyed.

So, I thought the series finale of Boardwalk Empire was pretty satisfying, but...
WHY DID HBO CANCEL DEADWOOD AND CARNIVALE BEFORE THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO WRAP THINGS UP???? I KNOW THIS IS YEARS AFTER THE FACT, BUT IT STILL BOTHERS ME!!!

Oh yeah, I was supposed to calm myself down. Sorry.

After you watch Dracula Untold, from then on should you call it Dracula Told?

Speaking of which, here's my unabashed, no holds barred review of Dracula Untold!: Actually, this review will stay untold.

I wouldn't condone it (repeating for emphasis so I don't get into trouble, I wouldn't condone it), but people lurking around in public places dressed as creepy clowns are just asking to be assaulted.

Hell, just seeing anyone walking around dressed as a "normal" clown would freak me out.

If my life depended on the outcome of a baseball game, Madison Bumgarner would be my pitcher.

Why my life would ever depend on a baseball game, I have no idea, and why Madison Bumgarner would decide to be my pitcher, I don't know.

I enjoy watching Gold Rush even though I would never trust myself to operate any of the machinery they use on the show. #Mechanically Inept

I'm pretty sure if I worked for Tony Beets, he would have me crying within ten seconds.

Adam Copeland, WWE Superstar Edge (greatest billing ever) on Haven is giving one of the best acting performances ever by a pro wrestler.

Still the greatest of all time, though, Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live.

Baseball season is over, hockey and basketball seasons have already started, and we're already at the halfway point of football season. I think a sign of getting old is how quick the time seems to fly for me on these sports seasons .

However, no matter how old I get, the political campaign season always seems to drag on and on.

There are elections Tuesday, though, and I'd tell everyone to go out and vote, but, really, if you need me to tell you that, there probably is no hope for you.

Daylight savings time is the stupidest idea ever in the Spring, but it's great in the Fall.

And with that, it's time for me to go, thank you for reading.

Things That Annoy Me: Parents Who Call "Timeout"

Hello, it's time once again to mention something else that annoys me that is featured in my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World. Today, let's talk about parenting. Since I have no children of my own (that I know of), I figure I am the best person to talk about this subject. I have to confess, I am usually very annoyed by children. And nothing annoys me more than a loud, whiny, obnoxious kid causing a scene in public. But what's even worse than that is when a hapless parent is trying very unsuccessfully to get the child to stop by pleading with it (I was debating whether to use him or her, "it" seemed to be the most appropriate), to take a "timeout." Timeouts should only be allowed in sports, never in child raising. Any time I see a parent attempt to use this wimpy method of parenting, it always fails. To read more about this subject, including what evil thought creeps into my head when I, unfortunately, have to witness this annoyance in public, you can purchase my fine book by clicking on this link:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

I should add to anyone with good taste who does click on the link, buys my book, and reads what I wrote about this subject, that this book is obviously satire, and even if this evil thought does creep into my head, I would never act on it. Seriously, I would never. Honestly, really, I wouldn't.

Things That Annoy Me: Overly Cheerful People

It's time once again to highlight yet another thing that annoys me which is also featured in my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World. This may be sad for me to admit, but I am usually not a cheerful person. I guess it is tough to be cheerful when you're being annoyed most of the time. Despite this, I try not to be annoyed by cheerful people. However, there are people that are so damn cheerful that they become annoying very quickly. It seems to me that they appear almost psychotic in their cheerfulness. It's a very thin line between being overly cheerful and being a total psychopath, in my humble opinion. No one can be that happy without something being wrong with them. So, to read more about these annoyingly cheerful people and other things that annoy me, please check out my book at this link:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time, and try to be happy. But not too happy, if you get my meaning.

Things That Annoy Me: Prices That End in $.99

Hello, it's time once again to highlight something that annoys me. For shameless self promotional purposes, I must mention that I wrote about this same subject in greater detail in my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, which is available on Amazon. Today, I want to talk about how almost everything we buy is priced to end in $.99. The reason for this, of course, is that studies show that psychologically, people are more apt to buy something priced this way. It is weird for me to believe that lowering a price by one cent affects people that much. Really, is everyone that feeble minded? For example, if something is priced $9.99, it is basically ten freaking dollars. In fact, it's even more when you add sales tax. It's just sad and annoying to me that people are such dullards that this actually works. Anyway, to read more on this subject, here's the link to my book on Amazon, which you can purchase for the low price of $2.99:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C
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Thanks for your time, and I hope you got the joke.

Self-Indulgent Ramblings VI: The Undiscovered Blogger

Because it was so popular the first five times, it's time once again for some ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to Star Trek and Larry King, here are some more self-indulgent ramblings:

If the studies that say having pessimistic thoughts is actually healthy for you is true, I might live to be 120.

Eva Green is great in every role she's in.

The fact that she's naked in practically every role she's in has no bearing on my opinion.

Honestly.

Seriously, though, she's a great actress.

She does look great nude, though. #Making compliments pervy

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Guardians of the Galaxy: I AM GROOT!!!

That means I really liked it.

Why did The November Man open in August?

So I figured out why new characters keep on popping up on Under the Dome is because the events on the show have only taken place through the course of a few weeks even though the show itself premiered last year.

Okay, I didn't really figure that out. I just finally paid attention to the narration at the beginning of every show.

I'm glad I could clear that up. As far as explaining what else is happening on this show, I can't help you.

The ALS ice bucket challenge is for a good cause and all, but don't you suspect a lot of people are not actually dumping themselves with ice water?

Spoiler Alert! Here's some comments on the series finale of True Blood, don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know:

Was I the only one who thought Bill was going to somehow turn human and he and Sookie were going to have their happy ever after life with kids and stuff? And instead of Sookie ending up with some random guy whose face we never really get to see, couldn't they have just kept Alcide alive?

So I'm finally catching up on the last season of Sons of Anarchy (thank you FX for the early Thursday morning replays for those of us too cheap to buy episodes on Amazon) but it's weird to watch it since the major events that happened were already spoiled for me (that's what I get for still reading newspapers).

Speaking of Sons of Anarchy, would I'd be a poseur if I wore a Sons of Anarchy t-shirt even though I've never rode a motorcycle in my life?

I guess, by that way of thinking, I shouldn't wear a Breaking Bad shirt either.

I'm really looking forward to the movie adaption of A Walk Among the Tombstones, featuring one of my favorite characters ever, Matt Scudder, from the brilliant mind of Lawrence Block. Now, how about a movie about John Keller?

If you're going to bring back The Tick, bring back the cartoon version!

Speaking of comebacks, it's great that Faith No More is reuniting. In fact, I would say it's "Epic."

I'm allowed one bad pun per post.

Am I becoming a bit of a girlie man if I really like the new Breyers Creamsicle ice cream?

Maybe I am just comfortable enough with my manhood in admitting that I like orange sherbet.

Damn, it's great that football season is starting up again.

My completely biased opinion is another championship for Titletown.

If you don't know where Titletown is, I have nothing more to say to you.

I hate to get all moral on everyone, but I will not look up pictures of naked celebrities if the pictures were released without their consent.

If, however, in the course of browsing the internet, I happen to stumble upon a picture of a naked celebrity, well, I'll look and feel bad about it afterwards.

Okay, that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading!

Things That Annoy Me: The "I Think I'm a Stand-Up Comic" Guy

So, although the primary reason for this blog is to entertain anyone who happens to read it, I have to admit that I also am trying to use it to help promote my books. The theory being that if you are entertained by this blog, maybe you will buy my book. So I figure I should spotlight parts of my first book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World. Not only will this add some more new content in my blog (I have to admit I've been slacking off a bit in adding new posts), plus, maybe it'll have the awesome effect of getting more sales for my book. I am periodically going to mention one thing that annoys me that I elaborate on in more colorful detail in my book. Hopefully, this will still be entertaining if read by itself, and it should be a good tease to all the fun everyone can have if they read my book.

So, for my first annoyance, I thought I would spotlight perhaps the most annoying person ever, the "I think I'm a stand-up comic" guy. This is a guy who cracks jokes constantly. The problem is, all his jokes are so lame that even the most hackneyed comics don't use them. What really makes the guy annoying is that he laughs at his own jokes in that "yuk, yuk" kind of way, and he calls you out when you don't laugh at his awful material. To read more about this annoying guy, here's the link to my book:

www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time.

Guess What? My Book is on Sale!

Here's some good news. My book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, is on sale on Amazon for only 99 cents from now until the end of Sunday, August 24! If you enjoy this blog, maybe you'll enjoy my book. There's a whole lot more swears in the book, if you're into that sort of thing. You can either click on the link below or the picture of the annoyed guy clinching his fists on the side of the blog to get you directly to my book. Thanks for your time.

I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Mania V: The Megablogger Explodes!!!

Hello. Because the first four times had such a great response, it's time for more ramblings on whatever pops in my head. So with apologies to the WWE and Larry King, here are some more self-indulgent ramblings:

Lebron James going back to Cleveland is the greatest heel-to-face turn ever.

Yes, even better than Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania XIII.

I'm probably spending too much time with my Talking Tom cat on my tablet.

If you guessed that I get a kick out of having him say dirty and perverted words, you know me well.

Spoiler alert for the Amazing Spider Man 2: (Actually, everyone should have already seen it by now, but I was busy, okay?) I can't believe blank blank dies at the end! Well, blank blank also died in the comic book, so I shouldn't have been so surprised.

C'mon, Packers! Retire Favre's jersey already!

As a self published author, I'm definitely on Amazon's side in the Amazon/Hachette dispute.

On a somewhat related note, I don't know him personally, but J. A. Konrath seems like a cool guy to have a beer with.

Especially if he's buying.

Latest creepy commercial: Those weird Direct TV ones with the puppets. Who are these supposed to appeal to?

Obviously, someone with a weird puppet fetish.

Which definitely isn't me.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Transformers 4: The metal-on-metal violence is high in this one.

Community is coming back! Hooray!

So, what the f is a Yahoo Screen?

The body count is getting pretty high in the last season of True Blood. At this rate, all that will be left at the end will be a set of fangs.

To be perfectly honest, although I was rooting for the United States, I still have trouble getting into soccer.

I have no idea what it's supposed to be used for, but I'm glad I've never taken Risperdal.

So, if everyone is already trapped Under the Dome, where are all these new characters coming from?

And that's all I have for now. See you next time.

Illogical Commercials

Most TV shows don't follow the rules of logic very well, but commercials are the worst. The things that happen in commercials and the way people behave in them don't make any sense. For example, any beer or soft drink commercial that features someone doing something outlandish so someone will give them a drink instead of just going to the store and buying one for themselves. Since I watch a lot of TV, and have too much time on my hands, I'm going to specifically highlight some commercials where you have to completely suspend your disbelief.

First, there's those Buffalo Wild Wings commercials where referees extend games so customers can presumably stay at Buffalo Wild Wings. There's the obvious flaw in logic where you have to believe that refs will fix a game just so some losers can keep drinking. Unless they're getting paid a lot of dough, why would a ref deliberately fix a game? And if you have enough money and influence to get a ref to fix a game, and you use it so you can stay at Buffalo Wild Wings a little while longer, you may be lacking a little bit upstairs.

Then there's the Wendy's commercials. I've wrote in the past about all the companies that are using a cute girl as their spokesperson. There's the AT&T girl, the T-Mobile girl, the Toyota girl, the Kindle Fire girl, and the Wendy's girl. The difference between the Wendy's girl and all the others is that everyone else is portrayed as working for the company in their commercials. Wendy's girl doesn't, in fact, in some commercials it's portrayed that she works in an office of some sort. So her character doesn't work at Wendy's, though she amazingly resembles the girl in the Wendy's logo. Wendy's girl's role in the commercials basically is to SUGGEST EATING AT WENDY'S EVERY DAMN TIME. If Wendy's girl was real, no matter how cute she is, she would be very annoying. I admit I like Wendy's (I enjoy the baconator, but I'm sure my heart doesn't), but I wouldn't like eating it every day. I would think, after awhile, no one would ask Wendy's girl (by the way, I don't think they ever gave her a name in a commercial, she's just the Wendy's girl) her suggestion on where to eat, because they'd know she's going to say Wendy's every f-ing time! Unless you're Jared from Subway trying to lose weight or Morgan Spurlock doing a documentary, I don't think you're eating at the same fast food joint every day.

Finally, my favorite illogical commercials are the ones where the main character just shows up to talk to total strangers about their product. There's the friendly Phillips lady whose mission in life is to apparently go out in public and ask everyone about any crapping problems they may have. I can't speak for everyone, but if a stranger suddenly started asking me if I had any constipation or diarrhea problems, I would be seriously creeped out. My current favorite person in these type of commercials is Bill Cowher, former coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who, according to the commercials, now spends his time showing up at people's homes to urge everyone to sign up to Time Warner Cable. If we're trying to look at these commercials logically, we can only come up with two plausible scenarios. First scenario is that Bill Cowher is an extremely lonely guy who has nothing better to do with his time than to stalk people until they randomly mention something about their cable, then he jumps into their conversation. Apparently, everyone loves the Steelers and are not freaked out by a guy that suddenly appears in their homes whenever they talk about cable. The other scenario is that Bill Cowher loves his Time Warner Cable so much, and he's saved all the money he's earned by coaching football, that he feels that his life mission is to travel the country and wait in the shadows for people who need guidance in cable selection, and then barge into their homes proclaiming his love for Time Warner Cable. My wish is for one of the characters to say to Bill Cowher: "Man, you're so into Time Warner Cable, it's almost like they're paying you! Now get the F out of my house before I call the police!"

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part IV: The Final Chapter (Not Really)

Well, since I apparently can't stop doing this, and because it was so much fun the first three times, it's time once again for some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to Jason Voorhees and Larry King, here I go:

If you laugh every time that guy in the Arby's commercial says, "That's longer than I smoke my meat!" you are immature.

I am immature.

OhmygodIcan'tbelieveGeorgeClooneyisengagedIt'sthefirstsignoftheapoclyspe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, if you really care about this and you don't know Mr. Clooney or his fiancee personally, it may be time to reassess the priorities in your life.

Or you could write about it in your blog.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Godzilla: It was okay, I guess. Matthew Broderick tried his best... Oops, wrong Godzilla. I haven't seen the new one yet.

Spoiler alert on the new Godzilla even though I haven't seen it yet: Godzilla destroys a lot of shit.

If you have the time, go back to Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part II and check out my predictions for the four teams in the NBA conference finals. It did get a little dicey at times, but even without the benefit of the Sports Almanac, I did get everything right. Unfortunately, I didn't put any money on it.

I have to admit that I'm usually only interested in golf when Tiger Woods is playing.

Do you ever wonder why each season of Game of Thrones only has ten episodes?

So, it was recently the 10th anniversary of the end of the best sitcom ever. I can't believe it's been that long.

Of course, I'm talking about Frasier.

I still ship Niles and Daphne, even after all these years.

Speaking of anniversaries, it's the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube, and I still haven't solved the damn thing.

So, do they have to be in their fifties before Mayweather and Pacquiao fight?

If that happens, I'll bet on the guy that doesn't have a hip replacement.

Any hologram of a deceased celebrity is creepy, no matter who it is.

I've just read the first 48 issues of The Walking Dead comic book, and all I can say is that it is definitely more f-ed up than the TV show.

I don't know about horses, but a breathe right strip doesn't make me run any faster.

So, NBC, you couldn't renew Community for just one more year? I hope your headquarters gets struck by an asteroid.

Okay, I'm so paranoid nowadays that I feel that I better retract my last statement. I don't really wish asteroid strikes on anyone.

So, before I say anything else that may get me into trouble, I better go. Thanks for reading.

Self-Indulgent Blog Tinkerings

So, I thought I would change the look of my blog a bit. I figured this would take a few minutes, and I could go back to actually posting something here. Of course, I ended up spending way too much time tinkering with everything. You know, there is such a thing as having too many options. I ended up using something from the "Awesome Inc." template, which is sort of appropriate since "Awesomely" is in my title. The idea is to make the blog look more visually appealing to anyone who checks it out. I like the look of it, but I have been accused occasionally of having poor taste. Well, my self-indulgence is suppose to pertain to my writing, not to my admittedly limited art skills, so this will have to do for now. I hope everyone likes it.

Selling a Book is Pretty Cool

Hello. For a chance of pace, I thought I'd write a quick paragraph on something that's one hundred percent positive. I just published my first book about five months ago, and although I have yet to set the book world on fire, I have sold a few, and every time I sell another, it still feels great. The fact that someone actually spent their money, even when it's only 99 cents, on something that I wrote is pretty damn awesome. The whole journey of coming up with an idea, writing it all down, revising and fine-tuning it, publishing it, and someone buying it, reading it, and hopefully enjoying it, has been a great experience. I hope I never become too jaded where I treat this as nothing special. People are actually paying money to read my stuff. I know that my book is just all about everything that annoys me, but having people read it is definitely not annoying.

Hey! My Book is on Sale!!!

Since self-indulgent is in the title of this blog, I have to mention that my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, is on sale for only 99 cents on the Amazon Kindle from now until the end of Sunday, May 4th. If you enjoy reading this blog, you should love the book, especially since I swear a lot more in it. You can always click on the book's image on the right side of my blog to get to the Amazon store, but you can also click on this link to get you there:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZO198C

Thanks for your time.

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Episode III: Revenge of the Snark

Yep, because the first two times were so popular, it's time once again for some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. So with apologies to George Lucas and Larry King, here I go:

Spoiler alert for the upcoming Star Wars movies: All the original characters are very old.

I wonder if the actor who plays Hodor on Game of Thrones ever forgets his lines.

On a completely unrelated note, for some reason, my new favorite color is purple.

I vow never to use the phrase "conscious uncoupling," not even for a joke.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of The Raid 2: It has the most acts of gratuitous violence I have ever seen in a movie. In other words, it was F-ING AWESOME!

I haven't seen it yet, but I hope in Oculus, Karen Gillan mistakenly screws an apple into a light socket.

I can't wait for Tyler Perry's autobiographical film, "Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."

I sure hope that Stephen Colbert curtails all his partisan politics when he starts hosting The Late Show on CBS.

Do I even have to mention that I'm not serious about that?

I have way more trouble trying to cut an ice cream cake than a supposedly educated person should.

With the recent success of all those religious films, I hope James Cameron makes a three hour long 3D movie, with a budget over three hundred million dollars, about Jonah, and Peter Jackson makes ten epic four hour long films about Methuselah.

Those ten Methuselah films will only cover his first hundred years.

C'mon NBC, just renew Community already! So close to #sixseasonsandamovie.

And, if possible, a full season, not just thirteen episodes, would be nice. #justaskingnicely

I'm not on twitter, but doing these hashtags is addicting. #Ilikehashtags #hashtag #morehashtags  #quititalready #jokeisgettingold #wasn'tallthatfunnyinthefirstplace

Although I've probably seen every episode at least ten times, and I have all the DVDs, I'm still looking forward to The Simpsons on FXX.

I'm not going to attempt the marathon, though. Even I don't have that much time on my hands.

With the basketball and hockey playoffs going on, and the new season of baseball in full swing, this time of year is always great to be a sports fan.

With that being said, I'm already ready for football to start.

Spoiler free summary of the last few episodes of Agents of Shield: I can't believe blank blank blanked Shield! I did not see that coming! I wonder, what will blank blank do about it?

Latest thing to creep me out: those new Old Spice commercials.

It looks like I was number 51 again in the 50 Most Beautiful People list.

I'm definitely sure that I'm the first person to ever make that joke.

Yes, yes, I'm not serious about that, either.

Am I indicating what I think about the general public's IQ when I always have to say when I'm being sarcastic?

With that admission, I better go before I get myself into even more trouble. So, once again, thanks for reading, see you next time!

Seeing Myself as a "Brand"

Here's a weird thing that I've found out since becoming a published author. While researching on how to market my book, I found that many authors refer to themselves as a "brand." They're always talking about "promoting their brand" or proclaiming, "My books are my brand." Being just a simple, humble person, I never thought of myself that way. But I guess I am.

So, being curious of what kind of "brand awareness" that I have, I did what any self respecting person should do: I googled my name. Unfortunately, I didn't show up until the third page. However, there is an Aaron Schultz who is an accomplished bodybuilder (and our physiques are remarkably similar), an Aaron Schultz who has a PhD, and a few other writers named Aaron Schultz. It is nice to know that there are many people named Aaron Schultz who have made something of their life. Though, I guess if there was less of them, I would be on top of the damn search page.

So the big question is: what is my brand? Hmm, offbeat writings delivered in a sardonic tone? Twisted thoughts from a depraved individual? Wholesome good fun wrapped up in a package of fifthly language and lewd, risqué topics? A writer so unique that he can't be pigeonholed by a few adjectives and descriptive phrases? This is tougher than I thought. I guess what I put under the title of my blog says it all: "Aaron Schultz writes about what he wants, whenever he wants, in a super entertaining way." And that's my brand.

Self-Indulgent Ramblings Part II: Electric Blogaloo

Hello. Because the last time was so much fun, here's some more self-indulgent ramblings about anything that comes to my mind. Once again, with apologies to Larry King and Breakin' 2, here I go:

That new show Resurrection only works for me if I imagine that all of That '70s Show was really Red Forman's fantasy regarding his dead son.

Chocolate Toast Crunch is like crack to me.

Actually, I've never tried crack, so this is only an assumption.

I don't know what this says about me, but the look of Wes Anderson's films creeps me out a little bit.

On second glance, my "John Travolta pronounced name" in my first self-indulgent ramblings was too close to my real name. So how does "Reggie Howitzer" sound?

Coming up with your "John Travolta pronounced name" is so two weeks ago.

I think Chris Hardwick wishes that Talking Dead would always start with a group hug, audience members included.

If Daniel Bryan doesn't win everything at WrestleMania XXX, I will riot.

Okay, maybe not, but I'll never watch wrestling again.

Okay, I won't do that, but I'll take a break from watching it.

Okay, I won't do that, either, but I'll complain incessantly on every wrestling forum I can find.

Okay, I won't do any of those things, however, I will bitch and scream at my TV, and then watch Raw the next day. Happy now?

My unabashed, no holds barred review of Son of God: I didn't see it, but I've heard that the ending is uplifting.

I don't know about you, but some of those anti-smoking ads make me want to smoke more.

Is it wrong for a middle aged adult to enjoy Teen Titans Go! so much?

If so, I don't want to be right.

Two words I don't want to hear ever again in my lifetime: "polar vortex."

Two more words I don't ever want to hear: "It's yours."

It doesn't take the Sports Almanac to see that the NBA conference finals will be Heat vs. Pacers and Thunder vs. Spurs.

Of course, now that I wrote that, I'll be totally wrong and look like an idiot.

It won't be the first or last time.

Everyone should give Agents of Shield a second chance.

Def Leppard should have been in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame years ago.

Actually, is there anything less "rock n' roll" than having a Hall of Fame?

Why hasn't anyone made a straight-to-DVD Expendables knock-off featuring Kevin Sorbo, Lorenzo Lamas, Billy Blanks, Jeff Speakman, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Brian Bosworth, and Hulk Hogan? I would so watch this.

Maybe they did and I just haven't heard about it yet. Time to check out Netflix.

I find it hard to believe that they're still making new episodes of Survivor after all these years.

That being said, I've also avoided watching all those "singing competition shows." Really, you'd think they would have run out of contestants by now.

Twenty years from now, Dan Henderson's right hand will still be able to knock people out.

I've just started reading Doctor Sleep, Stephen King's sequel to The Shining. Other sequels to Stephen King's earlier works that I'm looking forward to: Son of Cujo, The Deader Zone, Bags of Bones, The Ears of the Dragon, The Rage: Carrie 2, Stand By Me Again, Fire-Restarter, The Girl Who Loved Rollie Fingers (this is actually a prequel), Rose Maddest, and It Too.

Why all these sequels have similar titles to their originals while Doctor Sleep sounds nothing like The Shining, I have no idea.

With that, I have to depart, thanks for reading, see you next time.

Here's a Self-Indulgent Preview of What's to Come

I've heard it said that to build up the anticipation for your next writings, you should give constant updates to wet everyone's whistle. So I thought I'd give you a brief description of what I'm currently working on.

While I was writing my first book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, I was brainstorming about everything in this world that annoyed me. There were a lot of thoughts that I had that were compelling enough to write about, but for some of them I asked myself: "This is interesting, but am I really annoyed by it?" I Am Annoyed was supposed to be a book that's just about everything that annoys me, so anything that I thought about that really didn't annoy me that much, I didn't put it in the book. I had a fair amount of those kinds of thoughts, so the idea came to me that this would be good material for my next book. So I've taken these thoughts and started writing about them, while coming up with even more new thoughts that hopefully will make a complete book that will be published later this year. At first, I was going to call this book, Random Observations, but these thoughts aren't really random. The title is going to have something to do with thoughts or thinking, I have something in mind, but I'm going to keep that to myself. Doesn't that build your anticipation?

In an earlier post, I wrote about how I wrote all these screenplays that never went anywhere. I mentioned there was one that I'm converting into a novel. I'm kind of alternating between writing the book about my non annoying thoughts and this novel. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I can tell you this novel contains: small city robbery, unrequited love, pot smoking, an independent bookstore, a nympho, obscure pro wrestling references, foul language, tons of violence, and dark humor. Yeah, not your typical novel. Hopefully, if all goes well, I'll have this done sometime next year.

So, that's what I got coming down the pipeline. Stay tuned to this blog for even more updates and other fun stuff. See you soon.

Here's Some Awesomely Self-Indulgent Ramblings

Hello. Welcome to the first and hopefully not last Awesomely Self-Indulgent Ramblings. This is going to be a series of comments mostly about pop culture and anything else that comes to my mind. With some of these ramblings, you may not have any idea what I'm talking about. Well, I guess that's what Goggle is for. The funny thing is, a couple of years from now, if I go back and reread this, I may not have a clue what I'm talking about, either. Anyway, and with apologies to Larry King, here I go:

Have you ever gone to a pizza place and saw a girl working there, or known any girl that works in one, and thought to yourself: "She's just a punk kid making pizzas"? What the hell, Dominos?

Speaking of commercials, almost all of them are lame, however, the Sprint ones with James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell are great. Which probably explains why I haven't seen their commercials in weeks.

Have you noticed that a lot of commercials feature a cute girl as their spokesperson? You have the T-Mobile girl, the Wendy's girl, the Toyota girl, the Kindle Fire girl, now there's the AT&T girl, who looks pretty fetching. I don't know if they make me use their products more, though. I guess they do cause me not to change the channel right away when their commercial comes on. I think I need to go outside more.

Also, that will be the last time that I will use the words "pretty fetching" to describe someone's looks.

My unabashed, no holds barred review of The Lego Movie: It was pretty good.

I want to see what kind of "selfie" they would come up with at the AVN Awards.

Then again, I probably don't.

My "John Travolta pronounced name" is Armin Schwartzman.

True Detective spoiler alert!!! Don't read the next four lines if you don't want to be spoiled:

Weren't you kind of disappointed there wasn't a twist ending at the end of True Detective? I thought the ending was fine, but (and I hate to place blame on anyone, but it's probably M. Night Shyamalan's fault) a part of me wanted Woody, I mean Marty, to roll Cohle in his wheelchair into oncoming traffic.

By the way, how long is the statute of limitations in regards to spoilers? There are probably some people who would get pissed if I spoiled The Empire Strikes Back, The Crying Game, The Sixth Sense, and Titanic.

And the spoilers are, in order: Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father, that chick had a penis, Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time, and the "unsinkable" boat sinks.

To be fair, my newspaper recently spoiled the last season of Sons of Anarchy for me, which royally sucks. Is it my fault that I'm trying to play catch up on Netflix?

Yes, I still read newspapers.

So, Game of Thrones on HBO is reportedly going to end after seven or eight seasons. With how long it's been taking George R. R. Martin to write, this could be the first time ever that a TV show ends up spoiling the books.

Of course, I am so behind on the books anyway, that this will have no effect on me. #extremelyslowreader

I'm not going to read the last book until all the movies come out, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that in Mockingjay, Peeta gets his ass kicked...a lot.

Jane Leeves is the most underrated comedic actress ever.

And she's still very hot. (And I'm not just talking about Cleveland).

I may be the only person on the planet that doesn't have any sort of opinion about Justin Bieber.

Can you imagine making it all the way to the last game in the Quicken Loans' Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge, only to lose on a last second shot? That would be the worst feeling in the world.

If there was ever a time to fire up the Delorean to 88 mph and grab the Sports Almanac, now is the time.

That Anonymous guy is always the harshest critic, no matter what he reviews or comments on.

He's pretty prolific, too.

I want a device that permanently embeds the WWE Network into my brain.

Yes, I'm a wrestling fan, deal with it!

How come the only new Get Fuzzy cartoons are the Sunday ones? I'm still waiting for Calvin and Hobbes to come out of retirement, now I have to deal with this?

I'm still on Team Coco.

Adding Jonathan Banks to anything makes it even better.

In real life, I am the bizarro Jonathan Banks.

On that sad note, that is all, thanks for reading!

The One Hang-Up I Have About Writing About Pop Culture

Although I do enjoy writing about myself and my book, there are times in this blog that I'd like to write about other stuff. There are goings on in the world of pop culture that I might like to comment on, in a humorous way, of course. But there is one hang-up I have about writing about pop culture: I really don't feel comfortable criticizing or making fun of anyone personally. In my book, I wrote about certain things that annoyed me in the entertainment, sports, and political worlds, but I tried not to single anybody out. I did mention that it annoys me when the popular music radio station plays the same Adelle song over and over again to the point of complete agony, but I actually don't mind her music. It just drives me batty when I have no control over the radio so I have to suffer through hearing the same ten songs ten times a day. I also wrote about how annoying it is when directors cast their untalented spouses or relatives who end up wrecking their movie, but I don't get into specifics. I guess I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Of course, I know that it's not likely that these famous people will read my book (though, they should), and if they did, they probably wouldn't care anyway. Still, to play it safe I don't mention anyone by name so that if I ever meet a famous person, and they wonder if I was insulting them in my book, I can say to them: "No, no, when I said I was annoyed by directors that cast their untalented relatives in their films, I didn't mean you."

I guess I could just write about things in pop culture that I like. But can I write a thousand word blog focusing on something I enjoy without gushing so much that it ends up coming across like an obsessive fan letter? Also, and this is something I kind of wrote about in my last blog post, is it arrogant to assume anyone will care what I like or don't like in regards to pop culture? Well, should anyone really care what anyone else thinks about anything? Probably not, but if I can be somewhat entertaining with my pop culture posts, it'll be all worth it. Plus, one of the advantages of writing a blog is that all of the subject matter is current and not outdated. That's another reason why I tried not to mention specific things too much in my book. I guess with an ebook, I could always go back and update the topical references, but I still like the idea of a book as a snapshot in time, and constantly going back and changing things would change the "feel" of the book.

So, the idea I have is to write some "quick hits" about whatever comes to my mind about pop culture. I realize that Larry King used to write a newspaper column that did something similar. Well, I don't think he has a patent on this idea. I figure if I do criticize anyone or anything, I'll do so in a benign, light hearted manner that won't hurt anyone's feelings and more importantly, won't make me feel guilty. I can also rave about stuff without it becoming too gushing and long winded. So, sometime in the near future, I'll probably give this idea a shot. There's something for all of you to look forward to.

Is It Arrogant to Assume People Would Want to Read Your Work?

As a newly self published author, that question has definitely crossed my mind. I'm just an average person (or slightly below average if you ask certain people's opinion) with a few strange ideas floating around in my melon, why did I assume my ideas were something that people would love to read? With a landscape of millions of books out there in this world, does a writer have to have a bit of arrogance to think that it's HIS book that needs to be read? Especially since my book is non fiction humor. It's one thing if a non fiction book is about a certain subject that someone would want to learn about, whether it's about investing, health, history, etc. But to think my writings are funny and entertaining to other people, well, that may be a bit presumptuous. I mean, they make me laugh, but I laugh out loud when people trip and fall right in front of me (not exactly true, I'm just laughing out loud on the inside).

So I'm spending all this time trying to convince everyone out there in this world to buy my book. I can say it will be an awesome and hilarious reading experience for everyone, but do I really know? I guess the best selling point I have is that, good or bad, my book (or should I say "books?" There is more to come) will get a reaction out of you. For example, I would guess after reading that I laugh when people trip and fall, some of you were thinking to yourselves, "That guy is a disgusting, uncaring cretin, and a poor excuse for a human being!" But I bet a lot of you were thinking, "I hate to admit it, but I do the exact same thing," while laughing at the memory. Either way, it got a reaction out of you.

So it may be a bit of arrogance, but I do think there are enough of you out there that would enjoy reading my stuff. That being said, in my life, I have been frequently wrong about tons of things. Hopefully, this isn't one of those times. After all, you did just read my blog, right?

The Saga of the Ever-Changing Book Cover

Finding the right cover for your book is a tough task. Especially if you can't afford a proper book cover designer, and if you have no discernible artistic talent whatsoever. My first idea for the cover of my book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World, was simply a picture of myself with an annoyed expression on my face with I Am Annoyed written in big bold letters above my head. The first problem with that was that I don't like displaying my ugly mug for the whole world to see, which is why I don't have a picture of myself in this blog. The second problem was that in attempting to make an annoyed face in the mirror, I looked more like I was constipated than anything else. I guess if I ever were to write I Am Constipated: One Man's Struggles With a Clogged-Up Poop Chute, I'd have the perfect cover image. I tried finding stock photos of people looking annoyed, but they never looked right, plus, even though I'm not totally comfortable putting my own face on my cover, I don't want anyone else's face on there, either. So I decided a simple cover with a huge I Am Annoyed and a smaller One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World was the way to go. So, despite their ugliness, here's some examples of my attempts at creating my book cover:





                                             Really??? Dude, this is terrible!!! 



                                                 Not bad...for a four year old.

                                                 

                                         Maybe I reached the first grade level?

                             This looks okay, but it did take me a week to do this. 

 

So yeah, this was a huge struggle. Finally, though, after googling "annoyed man stock illustration,"  I found an image that perfectly sums up my annoyance. Okay, so the illustration is called "angry boy." but he can also be "annoyed," right? Plus the guy does kind of look like me. He has more hair, though. So after buying this image, (by the way, thanks to canstockphoto.com and Davi Sales, the artist), and some quick work writing in my title, here's the final cover:

The final cover. Yes, I do sort of look like this.

 

 

So there you have it. My words of advice to those of you that are trying to create the perfect book cover: be born with some artistic talent, or know someone who has artistic talent that will work for free, otherwise, I have nothing else to tell you. Thanks for reading.



 

 



Nobody Knows That I'm Doing This

Well, that's not totally true, if you're reading this, you know there is some dude named Aaron Schultz out there in this world who writes a blog, and wrote a book about everything that annoys him. And everyone who has found my book, and seen my book listings and forum posts, know that I'm a writer as well. But what I'm talking about is that anyone who knows me personally has no clue that I'm doing this. You would think that I would be proud that I wrote a book and started blogging, and would wish to share my accomplishments with everyone I know. Which I normally would, but what if my book is so foul mouthed and raunchy that I'm not sure how everyone would take it?

Let me first say that I'm extremely proud of my book. With not going overboard with self-praise, I do think I wrote a very funny book. Yet, some of the subject matter is a bit risqué. It's one thing if I'm just some faceless guy to someone reading my filth, it's another thing if it's someone I know, who can look at me face-to-face and say, "I can't believe you wrote that crap, I never knew you were such a sick, disgusting person!" I don't mind offending all the strangers out there in Bookland and Blogworld, but I do try to avoid offending people in my immediate vicinity.

Worst yet, is that I wrote a book on everything that annoys me. Now, I did write the book for comedic purposes, so everything is exaggerated and over-the-top, and I did make sure all the annoyances I put in there were general and not specific. Still, I don't doubt that some people I know will think some of the annoyances I wrote about are pertaining to them, and they'll be plenty pissed that I put them in my book. The book is a composite about everything that annoys me everywhere, so I'm sure some of my annoyances are derived from people I know personally, but I can honestly say that I never singled out a person I know on purpose. This book wasn't meant for me to settle any grudges, just for me to write something entertaining that other people might enjoy. So if you happen to know me personally, found out that I wrote a book, went and bought said book, read something in that book that you think I wrote about you, became very pissed at what you thought I wrote about you, please don't find me and beat me up.

So, will I ever tell anyone I know that I'm a writer? Probably only if I become a huge success. That would be a great surprise if one day I could go to my family and say, "Hey, guess what, I'm an insanely popular, rich, and best selling author! And no, you can't have any of my money." I guess one day I could get "outed" by someone I know stumbling upon my book or blog on the web, but I don't think anyone I know spends time Googling my name. And it occurs to me that some of you might be asking yourselves while reading this: "Well, you dolt, why didn't you just use a pseudonym?" The thought did cross my mind, but I have to admit, there is a great thrill seeing my real name on the virtual bookshelf. I don't think seeing "I Am Annoyed" written by "Sterling Mangold" or "Hunk Billingsbee" would have had the same impact for me. And yes, those were the two names I considered for my pseudonym. Hmm, maybe I'll use one of those names for my next book.

SPAM A LOT

Spam, Spam, Spam, who doesn't like Spam? Personally, I just eat it out of the can, but, of course, it isn't the tasty precooked meat product that I'm going to write about in this post. After self publishing a book for the first time, the immediate next thought (or actually, what you should be thinking before you even publish the damn thing), is: how the hell am I going to convince anyone to buy it? Which brings me to spam.

Having a limited budget, which really means having no budget at all, I had to search for ways to promote my lovable book for free. There are some places that let you list your book with a brief description for free (bless these people), and there are many forums that let you post and mention your book. Seems simple enough, right? However, do this too often or in the wrong thread and you'll be labeled as a SPAMMER. A forum spammer is someone who annoyingly advertises his products in inappropriate places to people who could give a flying you-know-what about it.

I, personally, have never hijacked a thread with a post about my book. I've just posted in multiple "Promote your book here" threads in many different forums around the internet. And I've tried not to go overboard and mention my book in every single thread. I've also tried to write something different for each post. Yeah, the gist of it is pretty much the same: "My book is great, funny, hilarious, blah, blah, blah, please buy it," but I don't repeat the same thing verbatim every time.

So I don't think I've done anything wrong. Surely, I've done nothing to be accused of being a spammer. However, at certain forums, posting something about your book gets some of its members very testy. I guess even though these forums don't take the "Promote your book here" threads down, they're actually technically against their rules. I was unaware of this at the time, but just browsing some of the other posts, I saw many "senior" members getting bent out of shape at "newbies" posting about their books. Anyone promoting their books on these threads gets labeled as a "loser" or an "idiot," or yes, as a lowly spammer. That doesn't bother me, after all, I've been called worse, though, it seems that people can get overboard with their anger. I guess I can understand, if you're part of a forum that isn't supposed to have promotional threads, and your forum ends up being bombarded by every damn person who has recently wrote a book, it can be quite annoying, and as the guy who wrote a whole book on his annoyances, I should sympathize, but still, man, some of their criticisms are pretty harsh. I was tempted to respond to some of these criticisms with a light hearted post apologizing for my own transgressions, but I don't think any of my "humor" would be accepted by these hardened book veterans. Yep, they're pretty grumpy. So, once I was aware that promoting my book in certain forums was frowned upon, I simply stopped promoting my book in these forums. I also learned that it's always good to read the official forum rules before posting anywhere, no matter how many "Promote your book here" threads a forum has. Ignorance should never be an excuse.

All this did get me thinking, "Does any of this ever actually work?" Does anyone just go to the "Promote your book here" threads looking for new books to read? Or, is it everyone who has just wrote a new book that's going there, posting something their book, and then leaving to find some other thread or forum to post into? I have to admit, that's all I was doing. I may have glanced at someone else's post, but only to see their method for promoting their book. I clicked on a couple of their links, but, once again, it was just to see how their covers looked, how they worded their description, and how high their sales rank was. Needless to say, none of their books were ranked that high, so, again, I have to ask, "Does this really work?" I guess if it gets just one person interested enough to hit your link and buy your book, it was worth it, especially if you're just starting out like I am. And it doesn't cost me a cent to do any of this, of course. At worst, it's a waste of my time, and if there is anything that I do have, is a lot of time. In fact, I had enough time to write a whole blog on this subject in the first place.

Also, now I have a huge craving for Spam.

Yep, a Self-Indulgent Post About My Book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World

"How do you get all of your great ideas?" is a question asked of me by absolutely no one. Still, since this is my blog (I promise to stop saying that), I thought I'd tell you the process of coming up with my first book, I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World.

I've actually started writing almost twenty years ago as an outlet for my creative juices, such as they were. I wrote mostly bad poetry (basically a hundred variations of life sucks), kept a journal ( sample entry: Boy, does my life suck), and tried to accomplish what used to be my big dream: writing screenplays that one day would become Academy Award winning hits (a common theme in my screenplays: characters struggling with a life that sucks). I don't know if anyone remembers the show Project Greenlight, which was a contest where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (Batman!) would take someone's submitted screenplay and make a movie out of it. When I first heard about the show, I thought it would be my chance to write a great screenplay and send it in for my big break. Of course, I found out that writing a cohesive and awe-inspiring screenplay is tough to do. I came up with some colorful characters, but finding a good story to put them in wasn't that easy. I did end up writing a couple of screenplays that I thought were decent, along with a few that were horrible, but by then Project Greenlight was long gone. (Speaking of which, I wonder whatever happened to everyone who won?)

I pretty much given up on my writing dream until I started reading all these articles about people self publishing their own books. It sounded like a fun thing to try, and if I couldn't write a decent book, well, at least I gave some semblance of an effort to actually becoming a real writer. My first idea for a book was to dust off one of my old screenplays and convert it into book form. That wasn't such a bad idea, in fact, there is one screenplay that had so much voice over narration in it that it probably should have been a book in the first place. I am currently updating it and writing it as my first novel. While brainstorming for other book ideas, I went back to words of advice that I've heard many times from many writers: "Write what you know." And that's how I got my idea for my first book.

I've realized that in my life I'm annoyed a lot. I was more of an angry and moody person when I was younger, but as I got older, I've mellowed from anger to annoyance. So, while I'm not pissed off all of the time, I am certainly annoyed most of the time, and the thought just entered my head: that's the book, right there, write about everything that annoys you. Pick any subject, I'll find annoying stuff about it, from music, TV, movies, sports, politics, religion, people, places, things, animals, children, everyday life, childhood, and even my own annoying self. I thought that this was an unique idea, and if I wrote about everything in a humorous, satirical way, I could get an entertaining book out of it.

The thing is, I've got a very twisted and sick sense of humor. I figured if I was going to write a book about all my annoyances, I might as well go over-the-top in doing so. I used extremely foul language, wrote about some graphic topics, said many terrible and horrible things, and generally just let loose. I found out that a lot of the rants in the book were the same things I complained about to my family and friends for years, with a ton of exaggerations for even more comedic effect. Then, if something annoying happened to happen to me during the course of everyday life, it went right into the book, with some embellishments, of course. In fact, the book comes across to me as almost like a series of stand up comedy routines. Kind of like George Carlin, only not as funny, but still pretty funny. After almost two years of writing, rewriting, editing, and laughing my ass off at my own material, I finally self published I Am Annoyed: One Man's Rants Against This Annoying World on Amazon in December 2013. I must say I'm a little bit proud of myself and my book. No matter if the book ends up as a bestseller or if it collects virtual dust on the electronic bookshelf, at least I can say I actually wrote a book, which is pretty cool and not annoying at all. Well, this ends the self-indulgence for now, if this post about my book interested you in any way, you can click on the book cover on the right side of my blog and purchase my book right now. (How's that for a shameless plea for book sales?)

The Awesomely Self-Indulgent First Post

Hello to anyone out there in Blogworld reading this. I never would have thought that I would decide to write a blog. I'm a private person who usually keeps all the twisted thoughts that reside in my head mostly to myself. However, after I decided to start writing and publishing books (which I will discuss in another self-indulgent blog post), I figured a blog would be a good way to share all my thoughts with the world. And to help promote my books, of course. Yes, this is going to be another one of those blogs about a writer talking about his "process" of writing, and how he's navigating the waters of self publishing and promotion. I hope, though, that whatever I write about is done in such a way that it will entertain anyone who ends up reading it. And if it helps me sell some books, well, that would be awesome. Plus, since this is my blog and I can do whatever I want, sometimes I'll write about any subject that pops into my head. So, to anyone who stumbles upon this blog, please join me on this journey, and we'll see where it takes us.

By the way, the "Awesomely" in the title is meant to be semi sarcastic.